Does your Love Relationship Need Nurturing?

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How Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) can support you in your Relationship

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What I immediately felt comfortable with when applying IRT to my work with couples is that my role as a therapist transformed. I was no longer the only 'safe receiver' of the emotions of each partner. With time, I became the facilitator of the couples' exchange.

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My role is to facilitate the process of healing that each person goes through in order to heal and grow in their own relationship. I help couples see that they are expert of their relationship, they know its strengths & vulnerable spots as well as its negative patterns of interaction.

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What I felt before IRT, is that couples would do well during sessions, but could not stop their negative patterns of interaction when they were at home and would soon become disheartened that the therapy was not working.

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Within the safe structure of IRT, partners dialogue with each other. They take turn and their conversations are intentional, slower and deeper. The structure helps me guide the sender (speaker) to speak about themselves and support the receiver (listener) to be able to stay curious and open to receiving information.

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Through these dialogues, partners are able to understand the purpose of their relationship and the growth that is trying to happen individually and as a couple.

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Together they learn to become a team again so that they can foster a safer and more conscious relationship.

Imago Therapy Explained

The theory behind IRT is that when we partner up, our unconscious goal is to heal the emotional wounds from our childhood. We seek a partner who embodies characteristics of our parents and caregivers. This ideal person, known as our “Imago,” represents a blend of all those significant figures. We unconsciously hope that if this Imago loves us perfectly, it will soothe the pain we felt when our needs went unmet as children. Essentially, we set out to find someone who can “fix” those old wounds. And this would explain why sometimes we feel we have married (the better sides of) our mother or father!

How Imago Therapy supports the Stages of Your Relationship?

Imago Relationship Therapy highlight that Romantic relationship go through 3 stages.

Stage 1 - The Romantic phase

We were unconsciously drawn to our Imago, and we have found the ideal person to help us heal our wounds. Needless to say we are in love, we are bathing in feel-good hormones and nothing could go wrong….. Until.

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Until eventually, we start to notice our partner's flaws. What seemed cute is now irritating if not dangerous.

Stage 2 - The Power Struggle

At great length, we try to cling to the beautiful Imago we had of our partner. This is when we start entering fight/fight or fight/flee negative patterns of interaction. This is when we start asking ourselves if we are compatible, if this person is suitable for me. This is when couples are on the brink of separation and divorce. With a 43% divorce rate, it is not difficult to see that partners are stuck and suffering. Many will stay in their relationship and will suffer alone and disconnected. They will find soothing exits such as work, the gym, frequent outings, caring for the children, pornography or affairs.

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Some couples will come to couple therapy, often with little hope. We are 'their last chance'. They have tried everything and nothing has worked.  My role is to help couples exchange again, in a way which is hearable and respectful of themselves and their partner. Imago Therapy offers a safe structure.

The Conscious Marriage & Committed Relationship.

During couples therapy sessions, each partner's personal emotional wounds start showing up. There is more understanding and clarity.

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With the support of the Imago Dialogue, partners start opening up in ways which they never did previously. The purpose of their relationship starts making sense. They are no long seeing each other as the enemy but rather learn to work as a team so that they can help each other have their emotional needs met. They are starting to trust each other more and relax their interaction.  The partners start outlining and working towards their relationship vision; they start engaging in caring rituals and reconnect in fun activities.

Imago Dialogue – Your Best Allie

During therapy sessions couples learn to adopt the Imago Dialogue. A central therapeutic process of Imago Therapy, the Dialogue provides safety for the couples to engage in mutual healing as the Dialogue fosters understanding, compassion, and connection.

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The Imago dialogue provides a safe structure for the sender (the speaker) and the receiver (the listener) to talk. They take it in turn and their role is defined. And one of the great assets of the Dialogue is that partners can do it on their own. It might seem a little clumsy at the start (it's difficult to listen without interjecting one's own ideas), but eventually the process becomes the norm.

Brush up on your Speaking Skills

The sender is the person who talks. Using "I" statements they tell their partner what their concern is. They talk about themselves rather than their partner. Something like: I feel really sad when you don't help the children organise presents for Mother's Day. Rather than: I can't believe YOU forgot Mother's Day. YOU really don't care, do YOU?

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Now, some of my clients have told me that their partner did not want them to talk about themselves. Well, please let me tell you that if you want your partner to understand what is happening inside of you, inside of your heart, and inside of your head, then you need to talk using "I" statements.

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There is no other way to do it. Your partner might not like to hear that you are hurt/scared/disappointed/surprised/angry and that's makes sense. In therapy, we help people stay grounded and curious so that they can hear their partner fully.  

Brush up on your Listening Skills

The receiver is the person who does the listening. They are following 4 crucial steps. ‍

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1. Mirroring & Checking

The receiver receives the information and mirrors back to the sender everything they said without judgement or modification "So I hear you say that you……...". They check with their partner if they heard correctly "Did I get this right?" and ask "is there more?" to provide space for the sender to continue expressing what they want to say. ‍

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2. Summarising

The receiver summarises what the sender said. It helps the sender feel heard. They now both have the same information.

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‍3. Validating

The receiver tries to put themselves in the place of the sender and tries to understand what the sender is saying. "It makes total sense to me that you should feel…….. Given that ……".

Important: You do not need to agree with the sender. You do not need to fully understand the information they give you. You only need to acknowledge what you hear. ‍

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4. Showing Empathy

The last step is being able to imagine what emotions your partner has.

You can say to them: "I imagine that you are feeling sad/hurt/afraid/disappointed…. when this happens".

Now it’s my Turn

Then once the sender is fully heard, they become the receiver. The dialogue starts all over again up to the empathy part.

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The dialogue will continue until both partners are satisfied that they have been fully heard and they can come to an agreed point. The Imago Dialogue is a powerful tool which often helps couples resolve their issues by the sheer fact that they are being heard.

Stage 3 – Towards a Conscious Relationship

As couples continue to use the Imago Dialogue, they regain trust in each other (rather than seeing each other as the enemy) and they are more inclined to take care of each other with respect, friendship and consideration.

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Together they can build a more conscious relationship where they understand that both have unmet needs from childhood and they are more inclined to help each other meet those needs.

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Together they can start building a future vision for their relationship, based on friendship, care, trust, and also fun and full of surprises.

Literature

For couples: Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples - Harville Hendrix.  Originally published in 1988, Getting The Love You Want has helped thousands of couples attain more loving, supportive and deeply satisfying relationships. In this groundbreaking book, Dr Harville Hendrix shares with you what he has learned about the psychology of love during more than thirty years of working as a therapist and helps you transform your relationship into a lasting source of love and companionship…..Getting The Love You Want will help you create a loving, supportive and revitalized partnership.

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For singles: Keeping the Love You Find: A Single Persons Guide to Achieving Lasting Love. Renowned relationship therapists and New York Times bestselling authors, Harville Hendrix Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D., will help guide you on the single life. Filled with wisdom and compassion, Keeping the Love You Find will help get your next relationship off to the best start and keep your love strong for a lifetime!

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Is Communication a problem in your relationship? Feel free to book a free call or Whatsap me on +971 58 179 6077 and find out how a well prepared set of sessions of Couple Therapy using Imago can help you save your relationship.