From Infatuation to Mature Love - The 3 Stages of Romantic Relationships

‍

How to navigate each stage and enjoy a deeper more meaningful connection.

‍

What can be more impactful than our Love Relationships? What can be more exhilarating than being in love? And more painful than when we have lost that feeling; when all seems to go wrong and our love for each other has disappeared behind turmoil, fights or disappointment and insecurity?

‍

Do I recognise own relationship in this definition of marriage (and committed relationships)? Yes for sure! Do I witness this with the couples I work with? Yes for sure!

‍

'Marriage is not a static state between two unchanging people. Marriage is a psychological and spiritual journey that begins in the ecstasy of attraction, meanders through a rocky stretch of self-discovery, and culminates in the creation of an intimate, joyful, lifelong journey. Whether or not you realize the full potential of this vision depends not on your ability to attract the perfect mate, but on your willingness to acquire knowledge about hidden parts of yourself.'  Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples (Hendrix & Hunt, 1988).

‍

Romantic Love Relationships go through a cycle, with distinct stages, each bringing unique challenges and rewards.

‍

When we understand these stages we can be better prepared to navigate our love relationship with insight and empathy.

‍

Let's explore the typical stages of romantic love, shedding light on the journey from infatuation to mature companionship. Looking at the inevitable challenges and the opportunities for growth.

‍

My extensive training in Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) has given me much insight into the human brains and relationships and I’m delighted to share the nuggets of wisdom I have gathered.

‍

So the questions are:

• Why do we attract our romantic partners?
• What are the destructive patterns of interaction we display when we are not conscious?
• What conscious tools do we need to build a strong, loving and safe relationship?

‍

Stage 1 - Romantic Love or Infatuation - Ohhh our unconscious mind!

The premise of IRT is that on an unconscious level, we seek someone who mirrors our childhood experiences, someone who has the same Imago (image in Latin) as our caretaker. IRT suggests that we are attracted to the positive aspects of our caregivers that we see in our new partner and we unconsciously hope this new partner will heal our wounds.

‍

A magical time of connection and passion flooded with dopamine and oxytocin.

‍

Often referred to as the "honeymoon phase," the infatuation stage is characterised by intense attraction and idealisation of the partner. We often experience a rush of dopamine (our feel good hormone), which can lead to feelings of euphoria, increased energy, and a heightened sense of well-being. We usually can't get enough of each other and spend hours locked in each other's arms, drowning in oxytocin as sexual activity is at its peak. Gazing into each other's eyes focusing on similarities, we are hypnotised by our Imago.  We are not paying attention to the red flags nor the warning bells. We are in love and it can't possibly go wrong. We don't need therapy! We don’t need anyone else!

‍

However, while this stage is exhilarating, it’s essential to recognise that it is driven by novelty and chemistry and as we probably already know it can't last! Typically between 12 to 18 months before….. ….. the honeymoon stage fades… ... before the drugs wear off… … before reality sets in.

‍

The changes are usual gradual.  We start noticing our partner’s flaws and negative traits. What was cute, different, and often amusing at the beginning is now annoying, threatening if not a bit weird and not acceptable.

‍

Who is this person?

‍

Stage 2 - The Power Struggle

Stage 2 is Inevitable & Dangerous

‍

Stage 2 is the most challenging phase of romantic love. And if we don't address this phase, we can stay 'stuck' in a power struggle for years if not decades.

‍

This is the time when we start protecting ourselves

‍

Loss of connection brings immense pain and fear. This is when relational exits may occur. If we have children, we might spend more time with them; we watch more TV; some of us might spend more time at work or at the gym. In an opposite way, some partners might become more controlling, more planning in activities in an attempt to reconnect with their partner: staycations, date nights (which invariably end up in a disastrous fight), holiday, time together. Relentlessly we seek relief of pain, either through reconnection or through avoidance and distraction.

‍

Same wound but with opposite coping mechanisms.

So, by now we understand that we have attracted a person who has the same wound as us but who has learnt to cope in opposite ways. Fear of abandonment for example can be expressed with clinging by one of the partners, whilst the other one tends to be more avoidant and shows reticence to fully commit. You can imagine how this is going to play out.

‍

The more we seek reconnection this way, the more our partner is feeling overwhelmed, judged, criticised and the more they withdraw. And of course, the more they withdraw the more we feel unworthy, unwanted, unloved and we pursue. We enter a 'negative cycle' of interaction where our needs are not being met and we hurt each other.

‍

Couples looking for therapy arrive in my office (if they have not divorced) accompanied by The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

‍As they are grappling with unmet needs, couples are tearing each other apart with  destructive behaviours of Criticism, Stone Walling, Justification and worst of all Contempt.  

‍

Needless to say communication has broken down, they can't see each other's perspective, they don't compromise to reach agreements, they often have manipulating tactics; they hold grudges and resentment and cross each other boundaries.

‍

An Opportunity for Growth

This stage tests the couple’s commitment and ability to work through significant differences. As none of us were born with the necessary skills to manage romantic relationships, nor did we learn it at school, it's normal that we often struggle an awful lot in this stage and it's normal that we should seek professional help.

‍

According to Imago Relationship Therapy, 'Conflict is growth trying to happen'.

‍

This is the time when you have 3 options:

• You continue as you are (and there is very little chance that things will change).
• You decide to divorce (and continue the power struggle as co-parents if you have children). Research shows that 43% of first-time marriages will end in divorce.  
• You decide on couple therapy. You decide to recommit to your relationship. However, this time with intention and consciousness.

‍

Stage 3 - The Conscious Relationship

The journey to consciousness - Imago Perspective

‍

'A conscious marriage is a relationship that fosters maximum psychological and spiritual growth… created by becoming conscious and cooperating with the fundamental drives of the unconscious mind: to be safe, to be healed and to be whole.'   Getting the Love you Want', Harville Hendrix    

‍

Steps towards a conscious relationship:

• Step 1:  Intention & Commitment to do your own work
• Step 2: Recognising your negative cycle
• Step 3: Closing all exits
• Step 4: The Co-creative partnership - Awakening
• Step 5: Real Love - Re-romantising your relationship

Step 1: Intention & Commitment to work on your relationship

This is the time when you make the decision to choose couple therapy and to go all in. Progress will not be linear, change will take time, but you have decided to work on reconnecting with the one you fell in love. However, this time you are committed to building a stronger, deeper and more meaningful relationship.

‍

This is the time when you intentionally engage in your own healing as well as the healing of your relationship.

‍

As you are both starting to do your own personal therapy work, you start recognising that your partner is your mirror. Their wounds reflect your own.

‍

Step 2: Recognising your negative cycle

You start understanding the 'negative cycle' most couples fall into. It's a very uncomfortable dance. One of you pushes and the other avoids and withdraws. The more one withdraws the more the other one pushes. Sometimes both couples push and protest and fights are numerous and strong.

‍

With the support of couples therapy, partners explore similarities between their partners and their caregivers.  This process helps uncover unconscious patterns and images from childhood that influence current relationship dynamics. For example, suppose you experienced bullying and criticism in your childhood, you may be today really sensitive to the smallest of comments from your loved one and feel criticised. This may lead to fear of abandonment or rejection.

‍

So in couple therapy we look at your negative cycle and we uncover what fuels it; what attachment wounds you might have and what emotional needs are left unmet.

‍

In his book 'You Are the One You've Been Waiting For' Richard C. Schwartz highlights that 'Most relationships fail, not because of communication or empathy breakdown, but because we unknowingly burden our partners with the task of caring for disowned and unloved parts of ourselves'.

‍

So when we are able to stand in our most compassion state of Self (open heart) we are able to heal our own 'core issues'. We are also able to hold sufficient space for our partner to heal their own 'core issues'.

‍

We attract the partner with whom our wounds will be highlighted so that we can work on them.

Of course it's hard to accept that and we tend to make statements such as: 'We are incompatible or this is not the right partner for me'. It is not a matter of compatibility but more 'What do you personally need to work on? For this relationship to grow.

‍

Often when people work on their relationship, one of them needs to work on self-love and self-esteem and the other partner needs to work on safety. Thus they learn to put up respectful boundaries and learn to say NO.  

‍

Step 3: Do your own work - Explore and close all exits

‍

As you are continuing to do your own work, you stop doing what takes you away from the relationship. You realise that you have avoided discussions (often clumsy and lengthy) and you have been distracting yourself with numbing TV programmes, work, children, the gym, going out with friends, or even pornography.

‍

Step 4: The Co-creative partnership – Awakening

You are now learning to work as a team. You are on the same side. You are working on your shared goals with mutual respect. You have learnt to tame the negative cycle of your relationship as you understand what hidden wounds are behind the behaviours you have been displaying.

‍

You co-create a relationship that supports both your growth. You celebrate differences and appreciate each other’s unique qualities.

‍

The Self (open heart) leads, and parts collaborate harmoniously. You honour individuality while nurturing the relationship. You take responsibility for your own needs and desires and for communicating them in a calm, courageous and respectful manner rather than criticising, judging, controlling or exiting the relationship.

‍

You begin to value your partners wishes as highly as you value your own. You begin to accept the less positive parts of yourself and your partner and build on your respective hidden strengths.

‍

Step 5: Real Love - Re-romantising your relationship

‍

You are now in a phase of profound connection that balances interdependence with individual autonomy. You rely on each other while maintaining your unique identities. Love coexists with personal growth and self-expression. You have your own identity within the relationship.

‍

You initiate rituals of connection with your partner rather than wait for signs that you matter. You matter to yourself and you are more likely to show your partner that they matter too.  

‍

You have understood that your relationship is offering opportunities for you to heal your childhood wounds.

‍

Is that Going to Last?

‍

"Is that going to last?" You may be asking.

Naturally as everything is constantly in motion there will be moments when you feel disconnected. That's normal and to be expected.

However, what is different now is you are conscious.

You understand that when you feel disconnected it's a time of growth, of self-reflection and self-care. You can use tools that you have learnt in therapy such as the Imago Dialogue to listen and support each other. You can initiate fun reconnecting activities. You help and support each other.

Conclusion

Understanding the stages of romantic love relationships can provide valuable insights into the dynamics of partnership. Each stage presents unique challenges and opportunities for growth. By recognising and navigating these stages, couples can build a resilient and fulfilling relationship that stands the test of time.

‍

In a conscious, committed relationship, there’s an acceptance that love requires effort. It takes courage to evolve together.