The 5 Core Emotional Wounds

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Have you ever found yourself reacting to a seemingly innocent comment with unexpected intensity? Or perhaps you've noticed that despite your best intentions, you keep falling into the same relationship patterns over and over again?

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That knot in your stomach when someone doesn't text back right away... The wall you instinctively build when someone gets too close... These aren't random reactions. According to renowned psychologist Lise Bourbeau, they're messengers from your past—signs of what she calls your "core emotional wounds."

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Discover why certain patterns keep repeating in your life. Explore Lise Bourbeau's five emotional wounds that shape your reactions and relationships—and learn the transformative steps to heal them and finally meet your authentic self.

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"These wounds," Bourbeau writes in her groundbreaking book Heal Your Wounds and Find Your True Self, "are not your enemies but your teachers. They reveal exactly where your healing journey needs to begin."

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Why These Core Emotional Wounds Matter More Than You Think

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Imagine wearing glasses with tinted lenses from childhood—so long that you've forgotten you're wearing them at all. The world simply is the color you see it. Our emotional wounds work much the same way, coloring every interaction, decision, and relationship without our awareness. Understanding these psychological wounds is essential for true emotional intelligence and self-discovery.

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"Most people," Bourbeau observes, "spend their entire lives reacting to these wounds rather than truly living. They create masks that they believe protect them, but which actually prevent them from experiencing authentic love and connection."

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These wounds don't just affect our personal lives—they influence our career choices, our parenting styles, even our physical health. But here's the hopeful truth: once you identify your wounds, you can begin the transformative work of healing them.

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Let's explore each wound and discover what your emotional patterns might be trying to teach you.

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1. The Rejection Wound: When You Feel You Must Earn Love

"The rejection wound creates a fundamental belief that you must be perfect to be loved. It's not just about being rejected by others—it's about rejecting yourself first, before anyone else has the chance." — Lise Bourbeau

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Sarah's Story

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Sarah sits in her office late at night—again. While her colleagues left hours ago, she's still perfecting a presentation that most would consider already exceptional. As a marketing executive with an impressive portfolio, you'd think she'd feel secure in her abilities. Yet inside, Sarah carries a persistent whisper: "If I don't go above and beyond, they'll see I'm not really good enough."

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When her boss casually mentioned an "opportunity for improvement" in her last project, Sarah spent the entire weekend obsessing over every detail, convinced this was the beginning of the end. The praise for her many successes? That hardly registers.

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"I've always felt like I'm one mistake away from people seeing I don't really belong here," Sarah admits. "Even when I receive recognition, I think they're just being nice or haven't discovered my inadequacies yet."

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Do you recognize yourself in any of these signs?

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• You find yourself apologizing for having basic needs ("Sorry to bother you, but...")

• You feel viscerally responsible for others' emotions, as if their happiness is your assignment

• Compliments make you uncomfortable or you immediately deflect them

• You're constantly preparing for worst-case scenarios

• Making decisions without external validation feels nearly impossible

• You overwork to the point of exhaustion, believing your worth comes from productivity

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Bourbeau explains: "The person with a rejection wound believes at their core: 'I don't have the right to exist as I am.' This wound often develops when a child feels they must earn love through achievement or by suppressing their authentic needs."

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2. The Abandonment Wound: The Fear That Everyone Leaves Eventually

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"The abandonment wound isn't just about physical abandonment. It's the emotional absence that most deeply affects us—being present in body but absent in spirit." — Lise Bourbeau

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Mark's Story

Mark's friends describe him as having two completely different relationship modes: either intensely attached or mysteriously distant. What they don't see is the internal panic Mark experiences whenever someone gets close.

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"My dad was physically there growing up," Mark explains, "but emotionally, he was completely unreachable. I learned early that emotional connection wasn't reliable."

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Now, in his adult relationships, Mark finds himself trapped in a painful cycle. When someone shows genuine interest, he initially feels elated. But as the relationship deepens, overwhelming anxiety takes hold. He starts creating tests—being a little too needy or mysteriously pulling away—unconsciously checking if they'll stay.

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His last girlfriend described it as "emotional whiplash"—never knowing which Mark she'd encounter from day to day. "I want closeness more than anything," Mark admits, "but when I get it, it feels like standing on the edge of a cliff."

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How might the abandonment wound be showing up in your life?

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• You feel a spike of anxiety when messages aren't answered promptly

• Being alone feels not just uncomfortable but somehow dangerous

• You find yourself "testing" relationships to see if people will really stay

• Your relationships tend toward either clinginess or extreme independence

• You struggle to maintain emotional equilibrium when others are busy or distant

• You often feel a sense of emptiness that you try to fill with relationships

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"The person with an abandonment wound," Bourbeau writes, "lives with the constant fear that they will be left alone. Their greatest terror is not being physically alone—it's feeling emotionally unsupported in a time of need."

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3. The Humiliation Wound: When Shame Becomes Your Compass

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"The humiliation wound is perhaps the most deeply hidden, as shame itself seeks darkness. Yet it powerfully influences how much joy, pleasure, and recognition we allow ourselves to experience." — Lise Bourbeau

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Emma's Story

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From the outside, Emma seems to have it all together. Her yoga studio attracts devoted students, and her teaching style has been described as transformative. Yet Emma struggles with a persistent inner voice that tells her she's somehow fundamentally flawed.

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Growing up, Emma's natural exuberance was often met with her mother's cutting remarks: "Don't be so loud," "Why can't you be more ladylike?" or "You're drawing too much attention to yourself." Over time, these comments created a deep belief that her natural self was somehow inappropriate or shameful.

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"Even now, when students praise my teaching, I feel this weird mix of pleasure and panic," Emma reveals. "Part of me is waiting for someone to stand up and say, 'Who does she think she is?'"

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This inner conflict shows up in surprising ways. Emma struggles to charge appropriate rates for her expertise. When photographed, she immediately criticizes her appearance. And despite creating a successful business, she still describes it as "just a little yoga studio" when asked what she does.

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The humiliation wound might be active in your life if:

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• You feel intensely self-conscious doing basic activities like eating in public

• You habitually minimize your achievements with phrases like "it was nothing" or "anyone could have done it"

• You feel compelled to over-explain your decisions or choices

• You avoid trying new things if there's a possibility of looking foolish

• Physical intimacy makes you feel vulnerable in an uncomfortable way

• You monitor yourself constantly in social situations, hyper-aware of how you might be perceived

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Bourbeau notes: "The person with a humiliation wound believes they are fundamentally flawed in their being—not in their doing, but in their very existence. This creates a painful split between their authentic self and the self they believe is acceptable to others."

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4. The Betrayal Wound: When Trust Becomes Your Battleground

"The betrayal wound doesn't just make it difficult to trust others—it makes it nearly impossible to trust yourself. Your own judgment comes into question with every decision." — Lise Bourbeau

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David's Story

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David built his life on certain foundations he believed were unshakable: his 15-year marriage, his close friendship with his business partner, and his belief in his own judgment. All three collapsed simultaneously when he discovered his wife's affair with that same friend.

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"It wasn't just the betrayal itself," David explains, his voice still tight with emotion two years later. "It was realizing that I had completely misread the two people closest to me. Everything I thought was real... wasn't."

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Now, David approaches all relationships with cautious scrutiny. He finds himself analyzing casual comments for hidden meanings and requiring exhaustive explanations for simple schedule changes. New relationships rarely progress beyond superficial connection, as David finds himself unwilling to risk vulnerability again.

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"I know it's not healthy," he admits. "Sometimes I miss who I was before—someone who could trust without questioning everything. But I don't know how to be that person anymore."

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Signs the betrayal wound might be influencing your life:

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• You find yourself hypervigilant about potential signs of deception

• You struggle to delegate important tasks, needing to control outcomes

• Your connections remain surface-level as a form of emotional protection

• You require constant reassurance about others' intentions and feelings

• Being vulnerable feels like handing someone a weapon to use against you

• You scrutinize inconsistencies that others might overlook

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"The betrayal wound," Bourbeau writes, "creates a painful double-bind. The wounded person deeply desires connection yet feels fundamentally unsafe in close relationships. They become both detective and judge, constantly looking for evidence to confirm their suspicions that others cannot be trusted."

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5. The Injustice Wound: When Life Feels Perpetually Unfair

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"Those with the injustice wound carry a heavy burden—they feel responsible for creating perfect order in an imperfect world. The slightest deviation from 'how things should be' causes them genuine distress." — Lise Bourbeau

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Maria's Story

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Maria's home is immaculate, her children well-behaved, her work meticulously organized. Yet beneath this perfect exterior lies exhaustion and resentment that she can barely acknowledge, even to herself.

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Growing up as the eldest daughter in a traditional family, Maria watched as her brothers enjoyed freedoms she was never permitted. "They could go out with friends while I had to help with housework. They could pursue their interests while I was expected to focus on developing 'practical' skills for my future family."

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This early experience of different standards created in Maria a profound sensitivity to unfairness that now manifests as rigid control. When her husband loads the dishwasher "incorrectly" or her coworker takes a longer lunch break, Maria feels a disproportionate surge of anger that she struggles to understand.

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"I know I'm too controlling," she admits. "But when things aren't done properly, it feels... almost threatening. Like the world becomes unsafe somehow."

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The injustice wound might be active in your life if:

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• You maintain extremely high standards for yourself and expect the same from others

• You feel genuine distress when things aren't done "the right way"

• You experience simmering resentment when others don't carry their fair share

• Spontaneity and relaxation feel uncomfortable or even anxiety-producing

• You often feel you're carrying an unfair burden compared to others

• You find yourself using phrases like "after all I've done for you" or "I always have to be the one who..."

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Bourbeau observes: "The person with an injustice wound believes at their core that life should be fair—and they exhaust themselves trying to create and maintain this fairness. Their rigid standards serve as a defense against the chaotic feelings that arise when things feel out of balance."

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Your Emotional Healing Journey: Practical Steps Toward Transformation

"Healing," Bourbeau reminds us, "doesn't mean erasing your wounds. It means integrating them into your full experience so they no longer control your reactions unconsciously."

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Remember that these emotional wounds didn't form overnight, and they won't heal immediately either. But with consistent practice and self-compassion, you can begin shifting these deep trauma patterns. This emotional wound healing process is a key part of your overall self-development journey.

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Daily Practices for Each Wound

For the Rejection Wound:

1. Start a "validation jar"—write down accomplishments and kind words you receive, no matter how small
2. Practice saying "thank you" instead of deflecting when you receive compliments
3. Ask yourself daily: "What would I do today if I already knew I was enough?"
4. Create a concrete list of your strengths and review it when self-doubt arises
5. Notice when you're overworking and gently ask: "Who am I trying to prove myself to right now?"

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For the Abandonment Wound:

1. Develop a "self-soothing toolkit"—activities that help you feel grounded when anxiety spikes
2. Practice spending progressive amounts of time alone doing activities you enjoy
3. When feeling triggered, use Bourbeau's "timeline technique": remind yourself "This feeling belongs to my past, not my present"
4. Create clear communication practices with loved ones that respect both your needs and theirs
5. Keep a journal tracking the difference between genuine abandonment concerns and wound-triggered fears

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For the Humiliation Wound:

1. Start a "pleasure practice"—intentionally engage in one activity daily that brings you joy without productivity purpose
2. Stand before a mirror daily and speak kindly to your reflection
3. Practice sharing an achievement without minimizing it
4. When shame arises, use Bourbeau's "compassionate observer" technique: "I notice I'm feeling shame, and that's okay"
5. Gradually expose yourself to situations that trigger mild shame while practicing self-compassion

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For the Betrayal Wound:

1. Begin rebuilding trust in your own judgment by making small decisions and honoring them
2. Practice "evidence gathering" for trustworthiness rather than for betrayal
3. Develop a personal "trust metric" that distinguishes between actual betrayal and wound-triggered suspicion
4. Start with "low-risk vulnerability" in safe relationships
5. Use Bourbeau's "multiple perspectives" technique when triggered: consider three possible interpretations of a concerning situation

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For the Injustice Wound:

1. Practice the "good enough" exercise—intentionally do something at 80% of your usual standard
2. Develop awareness of physical tension as an early warning system for triggered injustice feelings
3. Create a "fairness inventory" distinguishing between actual injustice and wound-triggered responses
4. Schedule regular "structure breaks"—times when you deliberately release control
5. Practice Bourbeau's "expansion breathing" when feeling constricted by unfairness: breathe into the tight sensation until it begins to soften

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The Transformative Power of Awareness

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"The most powerful moment in healing," Bourbeau writes, "is the space between being triggered and reacting. In that space—even if it's just a breath—lies your freedom."

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Begin by simply noticing your emotional wound patterns with curiosity rather than judgment. This practice of emotional intelligence and self-awareness is foundational to inner child healing work. When you feel an intense emotional reaction arising, pause and ask yourself:

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• What am I really feeling beneath my initial reaction?

• Which wound might be speaking right now?

• What age do I feel in this moment?

• What does this younger part of me need?

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This awareness alone creates new neural pathways that gradually allow more choices in how you respond.

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Your Authentic Self Awaits: The Ultimate Goal of Wound Recovery

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As Bourbeau beautifully explains: "These wounds were never your true identity—they were protective mechanisms that served you when you had no other resources. Your authentic self has been waiting patiently beneath these patterns all along."

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Healing is indeed a journey, not a destination. Some days you'll feel powerful awareness and choice; other days your wounds will feel as fresh as ever. Both experiences are perfectly normal and part of the emotional freedom process. This journey of psychological healing and attachment style recovery opens the door to profound personal transformation.

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Ask yourself: What would become possible in your relationships, your work, and your relationship with yourself if these wounds began to heal? How might your energy be liberated for creation rather than protection?

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Remember, you're not alone on this path. Every step you take toward healing creates ripples of positive change—not just in your life, but in everyone your life touches.

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Which of these wounds resonates most deeply with your experience? And what small step might you take today to begin your healing journey?

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"The greatest act of courage," Bourbeau reminds us, "is to face your wounds with compassion rather than fear. In doing so, you reclaim not just your past, but your future."

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Book a free introductory call today, and let's discuss your unique situation and create a roadmap for moving forward into the connected relationship you deserve.

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